Saturday, July 10, 2004
Normal is in the Eye of the Beholder
Normal is in the Eye of the Beholder
Billy Tonelli always used the late afternoon to get ready for Happy Hour. The place was usually empty between 2:00 and 5:00 and he could get everything in order and still have time to get some reading done. Billy was almost startled when the door opened and Valium Jimmy slowly shuffled in, sat on his favorite stool, pulled out a twenty and placed it on the bar.
Billy stopped cutting limes and brought Jimmy his usual shot and a beer. He was surprised to see anybody at that hour, especially Valium Jimmy. Usually Jimmy didn’t get there until at least 9:30. Mostly Jimmy came in alone, though sometimes his long time living companion accompanied him. Billy referred to her as The Three R’s (Rude Repulsive Rita).
Billy thought to himself that Jimmy looked worse than ever. His hair was greasy and seemed plastered to his forehead. His clothes were wrinkled and had a few new tears, made more obvious due to the number of missing buttons. His white on white pallor made him the leading candidate for being poster boy of vitamin deficiency. Jimmy was quite a sight. Even before this day, Billy already theorized that the extremely pasty Jimmy slept in a coffin with dirt imported from Transylvania.
Billy never referred to Jimmy as Valium Jimmy to his face. There were three regular Jimmies that he identified by their careers. This was the Jimmy who always had an abundance of Valium tablets and traded them for cash or jewelry. Generally speaking, it could be relied upon that within the first two minutes of any conversation, Jimmy could be heard to ask: ‘So, you looking for some V’s?’
Billy kept a suspicious eye on the short, weaselly Jimmy. As long as none of the transactions involved Billy and didn’t take place in the tavern, Jimmy was allowed to stay.
“Let me tell you how my day went,” Jimmy mumbled. “I should say how my days went. I’ve been up since yesterday.”
“Are you gonna lay a long thing on me?” Billy responded with a slight tone of sharpness. He already knew the answer even though he still posed the question. Billy’s patience had been tried innumerable times by Jimmy since the first day Jimmy walked in the door and decided that this would be his new favorite bar. Billy subsequently found out that there were two previous favorites where Jimmy had been eighty-sixed.
It wasn’t that he was boring. Quite the contrary. It was just that Jimmy had a habit of telling very long stories about things that Billy wanted no knowledge of. Billy was now the less than proud owner of many unpleasant images that he would be stuck with for life, thanks to Jimmy’s generosity with his personal information. When Jimmy imparted his worldly views of his life experience, it soiled Billy’s existence.
Jimmy launched into his story even though he knew that Billy probably wouldn’t listen. It was just something he had to say out loud; just to see if what came out of his mouth matched what he had just lived through.
“So last Thursday my goddam car was booted and towed. I had to get down to traffic court and pay my goddam parking tickets and get the goddam car out of hock. I had to take the goddam bus. I hate the goddam bus.”
Billy was already looking for things to clean. Jimmy continued.
“Not only did I have to take the goddam bus, but I had to get up early! Goddam traffic court closes at 4:00 in the afternoon! So I get on the bus, and who do I run into? Joey. That mope.”
Joey was another regular. Joey had been a middleweight boxer going nowhere, getting a few bucks a fight to be the punching bag of someone on the way up, when he decided to make a career change. Joey wanted to be an actor, like Tony Danza. He figured that Tony Danza had gone from being a fighter to an actor and he could do it too. There were just a couple of problems standing in Joey’s way. He was completely devoid of training and any skill, and had absolutely none of the charm that Tony Danza possesses. Joey quickly became an ex-fighter-out-of-work-actor-wannabe.
Jimmy downed his shot and took a couple of gulps of beer before continuing. Billy was polishing the coffee machine.
“It’s crowded as hell on the goddam bus but of course there’s nobody sitting next to Joey. He sees me right away and insists I sit with him. He goes into this whole thing about how he’s broke and living with his sister and her kids and it’s driving him nuts and how he’s got to get out. I figure he’s hitting me up for a loan, so I tell him about how broke I am over the goddam tickets and the goddam car. He says to me, ‘you need money too?’ and I says ‘yeah.’ So then he says to me, real loud, ‘I’m gonna boost a bank.’
“I figure he’s kidding and I start to laugh, and he says ‘I’m serious. I got a place all picked out. There’s no cameras in there and the guard is half asleep all the time. It’ll be a piece of cake. I need a second, what do you say?’
“I look around and there’s a dozen people staring at us. I says ‘Joey you’re nuts. Don’t say another word. I don’t wanna know nothin’ about this.’
Jimmy took another gulp of beer. Billy stopped cleaning and started listening.
“So I get off the bus at traffic court and after standing in line for an hour and a half, I find I gotta get some more money from the cash machine to get the car back! I took too much time to get there, and they charged me a goddam storage fee! So I go to this place around the corner. I’m outside at the cash machine and some asshole has spilled some sticky shit all over the goddam machine and the number buttons are stuck and it won’t take my card! I go inside the place to see if there’s another machine, and there’s Joey! He’s sticking up the place! He yells across the whole place ‘HEY JIMMY! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T COMING! GIMME A HAND HERE!’
“I’m totally frozen like a goddam deer in the goddam headlights and like twelve cops come running in! Goddam teller tripped the goddam silent alarm before I even walked in the place! Nearly everyone in the bank said that I was with Joey. Look what they did to my goddam shirt! They dragged me to the goddam paddy wagon and threw me in the back in a goddam puddle of who-knows-what! I spent the night in jail and it wasn’t ‘til a half an hour ago that they finally figured out that I didn’t have nothin’ to do with it! Can you believe that shit?”
Jimmy polished off the beer and signaled for another. Billy obliged.
After a long silence Jimmy felt he needed more conversation. “So what was your day like?”
“Three small lunch groups, took a couple of deliveries, sold a few lottery tickets, nothing out of the ordinary… just like yours.”
Jimmy nodded to Billy, understanding.
Billy Tonelli always used the late afternoon to get ready for Happy Hour. The place was usually empty between 2:00 and 5:00 and he could get everything in order and still have time to get some reading done. Billy was almost startled when the door opened and Valium Jimmy slowly shuffled in, sat on his favorite stool, pulled out a twenty and placed it on the bar.
Billy stopped cutting limes and brought Jimmy his usual shot and a beer. He was surprised to see anybody at that hour, especially Valium Jimmy. Usually Jimmy didn’t get there until at least 9:30. Mostly Jimmy came in alone, though sometimes his long time living companion accompanied him. Billy referred to her as The Three R’s (Rude Repulsive Rita).
Billy thought to himself that Jimmy looked worse than ever. His hair was greasy and seemed plastered to his forehead. His clothes were wrinkled and had a few new tears, made more obvious due to the number of missing buttons. His white on white pallor made him the leading candidate for being poster boy of vitamin deficiency. Jimmy was quite a sight. Even before this day, Billy already theorized that the extremely pasty Jimmy slept in a coffin with dirt imported from Transylvania.
Billy never referred to Jimmy as Valium Jimmy to his face. There were three regular Jimmies that he identified by their careers. This was the Jimmy who always had an abundance of Valium tablets and traded them for cash or jewelry. Generally speaking, it could be relied upon that within the first two minutes of any conversation, Jimmy could be heard to ask: ‘So, you looking for some V’s?’
Billy kept a suspicious eye on the short, weaselly Jimmy. As long as none of the transactions involved Billy and didn’t take place in the tavern, Jimmy was allowed to stay.
“Let me tell you how my day went,” Jimmy mumbled. “I should say how my days went. I’ve been up since yesterday.”
“Are you gonna lay a long thing on me?” Billy responded with a slight tone of sharpness. He already knew the answer even though he still posed the question. Billy’s patience had been tried innumerable times by Jimmy since the first day Jimmy walked in the door and decided that this would be his new favorite bar. Billy subsequently found out that there were two previous favorites where Jimmy had been eighty-sixed.
It wasn’t that he was boring. Quite the contrary. It was just that Jimmy had a habit of telling very long stories about things that Billy wanted no knowledge of. Billy was now the less than proud owner of many unpleasant images that he would be stuck with for life, thanks to Jimmy’s generosity with his personal information. When Jimmy imparted his worldly views of his life experience, it soiled Billy’s existence.
Jimmy launched into his story even though he knew that Billy probably wouldn’t listen. It was just something he had to say out loud; just to see if what came out of his mouth matched what he had just lived through.
“So last Thursday my goddam car was booted and towed. I had to get down to traffic court and pay my goddam parking tickets and get the goddam car out of hock. I had to take the goddam bus. I hate the goddam bus.”
Billy was already looking for things to clean. Jimmy continued.
“Not only did I have to take the goddam bus, but I had to get up early! Goddam traffic court closes at 4:00 in the afternoon! So I get on the bus, and who do I run into? Joey. That mope.”
Joey was another regular. Joey had been a middleweight boxer going nowhere, getting a few bucks a fight to be the punching bag of someone on the way up, when he decided to make a career change. Joey wanted to be an actor, like Tony Danza. He figured that Tony Danza had gone from being a fighter to an actor and he could do it too. There were just a couple of problems standing in Joey’s way. He was completely devoid of training and any skill, and had absolutely none of the charm that Tony Danza possesses. Joey quickly became an ex-fighter-out-of-work-actor-wannabe.
Jimmy downed his shot and took a couple of gulps of beer before continuing. Billy was polishing the coffee machine.
“It’s crowded as hell on the goddam bus but of course there’s nobody sitting next to Joey. He sees me right away and insists I sit with him. He goes into this whole thing about how he’s broke and living with his sister and her kids and it’s driving him nuts and how he’s got to get out. I figure he’s hitting me up for a loan, so I tell him about how broke I am over the goddam tickets and the goddam car. He says to me, ‘you need money too?’ and I says ‘yeah.’ So then he says to me, real loud, ‘I’m gonna boost a bank.’
“I figure he’s kidding and I start to laugh, and he says ‘I’m serious. I got a place all picked out. There’s no cameras in there and the guard is half asleep all the time. It’ll be a piece of cake. I need a second, what do you say?’
“I look around and there’s a dozen people staring at us. I says ‘Joey you’re nuts. Don’t say another word. I don’t wanna know nothin’ about this.’
Jimmy took another gulp of beer. Billy stopped cleaning and started listening.
“So I get off the bus at traffic court and after standing in line for an hour and a half, I find I gotta get some more money from the cash machine to get the car back! I took too much time to get there, and they charged me a goddam storage fee! So I go to this place around the corner. I’m outside at the cash machine and some asshole has spilled some sticky shit all over the goddam machine and the number buttons are stuck and it won’t take my card! I go inside the place to see if there’s another machine, and there’s Joey! He’s sticking up the place! He yells across the whole place ‘HEY JIMMY! I THOUGHT YOU WEREN’T COMING! GIMME A HAND HERE!’
“I’m totally frozen like a goddam deer in the goddam headlights and like twelve cops come running in! Goddam teller tripped the goddam silent alarm before I even walked in the place! Nearly everyone in the bank said that I was with Joey. Look what they did to my goddam shirt! They dragged me to the goddam paddy wagon and threw me in the back in a goddam puddle of who-knows-what! I spent the night in jail and it wasn’t ‘til a half an hour ago that they finally figured out that I didn’t have nothin’ to do with it! Can you believe that shit?”
Jimmy polished off the beer and signaled for another. Billy obliged.
After a long silence Jimmy felt he needed more conversation. “So what was your day like?”
“Three small lunch groups, took a couple of deliveries, sold a few lottery tickets, nothing out of the ordinary… just like yours.”
Jimmy nodded to Billy, understanding.
