Sunday, September 12, 2004


And Now, a Word from Our Ballgame

“Hello everyone and welcome to beautiful Phoneco Ballpark, home of the Wireless Wonders. I’m Chipper Fitzpatrick along with my partner, hall of fame shortstop Big Joe Shoeless.”
“That’s me!”
“It’s a beautiful night here at Phoneco, and we’re ready for a thrilling game between the Wireless Wonders and their division rivals, the Anchorage Slow Grazing Moose.”
“You know, Chipper, I’ve said this before, but I think the Slow Grazing Moose should change their name and move to a city that’s less earthquake prone.”
“And maybe with an actual population!”
“That too.”
“That said, it’s time for our national anthem, brought to you by the Nissan Corporation. You know, Nissan makes fine automobiles, motorcycles, snowmobiles, watercraft, aircraft, and even weather satellites.”
“Not only that, Chipper, but they also make high quality recreational equipment such as gymnastic apparatus and archery gear! Where there’s life, there’s Nissan!”
“They even employ some Americans!”
“That they do, Chipper!”
“Wow, did they sing the Star Spangled Banner already? I guess it’s time for the ceremonial first pitch. Speaking of pitch, pitch is another word for tar and tar is one of the main ingredients for asphalt. You know what that means, right Joe?”
“Indeed I do, Chipper! Our ceremonial first pitch is brought to you by Caterpillar Tractor, makers of high quality road building and construction equipment for nearly a hundred years!”
“Next time you folks need a front-end loader, go to your nearest Caterpillar Tractor dealer. You’ll find friendly, knowledgeable service for all of your heavy construction needs, right, Joe?”
“I bought the tractor with the disk attachment for my garden! It has a tight turning radius and a hitch to pull the anhydrous ammonium nitrate tank so I can till and fertilize at the same time!”
“Boy, aren’t you the smarty-pants!”
“Ha ha! My tomatoes are as big as a Volkswagon!”
“That reminds me, Joe, this year’s Jetta is one nice car!”
“It has twin front suspension and a four point two liter engine that’ll zip you from zero to sixty in a jackrabbit six point three seconds, getting you on the freeway in no time!”
“And don’t forget that great sounding CD player and full quad speaker system, its spacious trunk, and room in the back seat for two Great Danes!”
“While we’re on the subject of Great Danes, Chipper, the first inning is brought to you by Bob’s Pets, official supplier of dog food to the Wireless Wonders!”
“Bob’s Pets also has a great selection of tropical fish and a full compliment of exotic lizards!”
“You got that right!”
“So head on over to Bob’s Pets, on Main Street and in dozens of other, easy to find locations throughout the tri-state area.”
“We’re going into the bottom of the second inning now with the Slow Grazing Moose leading three to two.”
“This game is really flying by, Chipper.”
“Sure is, Joe.”
“Speaking of flying, next time you folks take a vacation or need to go anywhere on business, fly on TWA, the official airline of the Wireless Wonders.”
“They went out of business, Joe, this year’s sponsor is Delta.”
“Oh, right. Next time you folks take a vacation or need to go anywhere on business, fly on Delta, the official airline of the Wireless Wonders.”
“Last time I flew on Delta the peanuts were the freshest I ever had!”
“And they have the friendliest flight crews in the business!”
“Delta flies to more cities in North America than any other airline!”
“Where did you fly on that last trip?”
“I flew to Seattle, Joe!”
“Which brings to mind, Chipper, this half inning is brought to you by Seattle’s Best Coffee stores. Seattle’s Best Coffee. We’re not Starbucks.”
“Did Billy-Bob Hannibal just hit a home run?”
“I wasn’t watching. I was reading the commercial script. Hey, Jack, could you show us a replay of that last play?”
“Joe, this replay would look really great on a new Mitsubishi flat screen HDTV, wouldn’t it?”
“That’s true, Chipper, I have one in my living room!”
“Mitsubishi flat screen TVs and HDTVs are available at Circuit City and Best Buy.”
“You can also get them at Sears!”
“We’re going into the top of the fourth inning with the Wireless Wonders leading this thriller, five to four.”
“I think it’s the top of the fifth.”
“You’re right! Where does the time go?”
“The tempus is fugiting, alright!”
“Ha, ha! Your vocabulary has gotten into Dennis Miller land, Joe!”
“And I’m starting to use big words, too! You’re a good influence on me, Chipper!”
“We’re going into the bottom of the sixth inning here at beautiful Phoneco park, with the Slow Grazing Moose leading six to five…”

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